| What do I want? |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|02:20 pm] |
After that last post, I felt really, really good. All week I have been lighter, happier and feeling good about myself.
Now, I am back to a questioning mood. A self-questioning mood.
Right after that last post, I went to hang out with that old group of friends. I had recently told one of them, MC, that I was upset that after I broke up with R, no one called, no one wondered how I was, etc. So, I think after I blew up at her she decided to be better about it and invited me to hang out with the group. I had fun. I played Halo, really played Halo, for the first time. R wasn't there, and there wasn't really any interaction with the people there beyond the interaction on the screen. But, it felt good to get out of the house and have fun.
So today, MC and I are talking and she started telling me what the group is thinking regarding R and I and what they have been talking about.
For starters, they all talk about how I was never happy and how I always complained about R. They wondered what I was doing with him if I was so unhappy. Then, because I lived with him, they all thought I was just using him. The took a poll and said that about 3 to 4 months after I moved out, R and I would be broken up.
So, they were right. I did break up with him after I moved out. I moved out in August and we broke up in January. They were off by a month. And they were semi-correct about me "using" R for a place to stay. But, it was circumstantial, more coincidental, than what they think. I had been thinking about ending things with R, but I wanted to try it when I wasn't living with him. I wanted to see if it could be better. I wanted to see if the reason that I was so stressed out was because of living with him and his whole family. Especially when I never really felt like it was a place for me to live. It was more like a room for me to live in. And I still felt like I was "drowning," to use a word from the previous post, and I didn't know why yet.
I am torn again. (Like that ever really changes)
I want to be a part of something again. I want to feel like I belong.
I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be a part of this shit-talking group. I don't want to be friends of these people who didn't care to be friends with me.
I pushed them away because I thought they were a part of my unhappiness. They didn't exactly leave me, they just left me to be alone... like I apparently wanted to be.
I feel so alone. And it's all internal. I still can't get rid of it. I ignored it for a week, but it is still there.
How can I be so unhappy... so miserable... so scared... and not one person notice. Not R, not my friends... not my parents, not my siblings... no one. Not one person saw that I was "drowning"... not one person knows me.
Hell, even I don't know me. How can I expect these outsiders to know what is inside me if I never open up?
How can I still get hurt if I try my hardest to protect myself???
What should I do? Try to regain these people's friendships... or just give up and be alone?
Is having nothing better than having crap?
Are they crap or do I just like to make them that to further my reasons for "protecting myself"?
Am I really that afraid to get hurt that I will just push everything away??? |
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| The Reason |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
I started this journal to figure out why my relationship ended with R.
My birthday I came up with an epiphany and today I think I came to a solid conclusion.
If he ever asked me "Why did you break up with me?", I think this would be my answer...
"The day I broke up with you, I was dead. I had been dead since February 2003. That month, do you remember what happened? I went to the hospital. That night, I was told that I had a tumor in my chest, possibly in my lung, and that I was being kept overnight for watch. What did you do? You got this horrible look on your face and said that you were going home. That you needed to get up in the morning and go to work. I was devestated and very upset with you. SW stayed, but my boyfriend that loved me didn't. I was so scared. I needed a hug and I needed to be held and I needed to cry on someone's shoulder. I needed someone to take care of me. And you left. I didn't understand why, but now, I realize it.
You did the same thing when I talked to you about us. When I told you there was a problem. You ignored it and pretended it didn't exist because it scared you. And you couldn't handle it.
That morning, I was told that I have a hole in my lung. That I shouldn't do a lot of things. I died that day. I could never ... I CAN'T EVER scuba dive. That has been my life-long dream. I have ALWAYS wanted to do that. Do you know what it's like to have your dreams taken away in an instant? To have something that you have ALWAYS wanted to do... something that you hope to work towards in your career, just taken away like *snap* that???
Do you remember what happened that night? You came to spend the night with me. I thought things were going to be better. But, I had to put on a front and make sure you were alright. YOU were the one crying on MY shoulder. YOU were the one that I had to hold. I felt so mixed... I was torn apart by hating you and feeling sorry for you, by hurting inside, being scared, being crushed... I died that day. I needed someone to be there for me... I needed YOU to be there for me... and you weren't. And to top it off, I had to put my emotions aside to help you with yours. I had to carry you... something I never stopped doing from that day forward.
I think all of our problems stemmed from that day.
Anytime we had an argument, you always looked so fragile. You went either one of two ways... you cried and made me feel like shit and made me help you get back together, again, pushing my feelings aside and making me carry you; or you just froze and ignored it and tried to pretend that it wasn't there.
I think you were scared that I wasn't perfect. That me being in the wrong meant that you couldn't be with me. You NEVER told me that there was a problem with me besides my drinking. Which I stopped because of you and you were okay with that. However, you never learned from that experience, or you were afraid to tell me when something bothered you.
I never knew that I died that day. I never fully realized it until this past birthday. But, I know that I felt it. I know that I tried to get it out of my system. I began telling you that I was unhappy, and needed something, but that I didn't know what. You had no clue either. And you couldn't help me to figure out what it was. Like I said, you never saw anything wrong with me... either because you couldn't, or because you were afraid to see it. But, you had to know that I was not the same girl that you asked out at the beginning. You HAD to. Because, if you didn't, then that was reason enough to break up with you.
I stopped playing... my lung kept hurting. It scared me. I didn't want to be rushed to the hospital with a popped or collapsed lung. You know that I started getting winded having sex with you. It hurt to sleep on that side. It is a constant FUCKING reminder of what I am going to die of. My mom's side of the family all had lung complications... and they never started showing up until after menopause. Here I was, 22 years old and having this happen to me. I am 20 years too FUCKING early. So... doesn't that mean that I will die earlier too?? I don't want to die by drowning to death in my own FUCKING fluid...
Yet, I was drowning. I was so afraid and I kept pushing those feelings away... I think to protect you. I didn't want to scare you. I hated seeing you that night crying on me. I never wanted to put you through that again.
I got bad... and from bad got worse... I tried to eliminate all the things that were bothering me. I stopped hanging out with our group of friends to try to get away from the drama... I tried to stop being mad at my mom and dad. I tried to be by myself for a while.
I told you that I was unhappy... that I couldn't take it anymore... I even contiplated just ending it all... and still... you couldn't help me. You couldn't support me. You just either didn't want to, or never were going to be able to.
You were the last thing left to push away. So I pushed you away. I broke up with you. Not just because I wanted to cleanse myself... more so because you weren't the support that I needed. And you never were going to be.
I don't regret being with you. But I wish that I had told you off that day you wanted to cry on my shoulder. I wish that I could have just smacked you across the face and cussed you out. Maybe you would have grown some skills to be able to support me... to help me...
Maybe...."
"But now... we are only words on a page..." - Page by Subject to Change |
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| One Tree Hill... |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|09:00 pm] |
"I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I can do is think of me and I have piece of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be anything other than me....." - Gavin DeGraw, I Don't Wanna Be (2003)
Maybe I'll never reach who I thought I would become. Maybe I'll never reach what my parents and loved ones thought I would become. And I know that I will be unhappy with who I am at times, but for the most part, I'm okay. I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking to get rid of emotions or make myself feel better, and I'm not taking out my anger and frustrations on other people. I've taken up painting again, I've been getting over my singularity in the world little by little, I've been reading alot. I'm not saying that I've been handling this better than expected, for I never really expected it to hurt like this, but, I'm okay.
I do have piece of mind when I think of who I am. I'm a smart, intelligent, I have gorgeous eyes, a great sense of humor, and for the most part, I am at peace.
However, even though all this is great and dandy, I want more. I want to be held, I want an amazing first kiss, I want to shudder again when I hold someone's hand for the first time. I want to discover someone for the first time and have them discover me. The nuances, the quirks, the little things that make you fall in love with someone. I've actually gotten up the nerve to watch romantic movies and I actually haven't wanted to cut my veins after watching them. It's a good sign, at least to me.
So why am I writing this....
Because I need to get it out. And this is the easiest way for me.
So for those of you reading this, thank you. You make me who I am and who I'm going to be. :-) |
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